Here’s a look into my soul… ❤ 

People get tattoos for a variety of reasons. Mine represent chapters of my life and moments that have changed me. It was time for a new one!

Chapter 1: Sine Cera

Sine Cera, meaning without wax in Latin giving us the word sincerely. The story goes – back in the day they shipped pottery from one country to the next and when the seas were rough, some of the pottery became flawed with cracks. Their solution was to cover the pots in wax to lessen the likelihood that they’d break. People no longer wanted this pottery because it was no longer authentic. Thus the word Sincerely was born. It’s better to be flawed and cracked yet authentically who you are versus covering yourself up with wax and trying to be something you’re not.

Chapter 2: Contracorriente 

Contracorriente, a Spanish word meaning going against the current. This word was painted on a building in Spain and captured where I was in my life so beautifully.  Living a typical Tampa life – married to my career and the social scene.  I took a 19 day solo trip to Spain and it exposed me to an entirely different world. Literally. I wanted a radical shift and decided I needed to go against the current and live my life differently. Shortly after, I quit my job and decided I needed to explore this big world we live in. I needed to see more. I was called to lead a life that I couldn’t put into words, but I knew I had to make a change. It all unfolded so naturally. Call it fate or serendipity. It’s been remarkable!

Chapter 3: I Surrender

I surrender is my latest tattoo. Located directly on my right inner wrist so I can see it as a daily reminder of how I want to live my life.  This idea of surrendering to the flow came through a conversation I had with Rebecca, my therapist.  I started seeing her about a month and a half ago because I was facing some severe anxiety.  2017 started off with a bang where I quit my job to travel the world. No plan – just a one way ticket to London and a goal of one day making my way to Africa.  This adventure was amazing and one that changed the course of my life completely.  Rebecca spoke to me about how life is meant to be lived in flow — floating down river. Often times, we pick up the oars and try to create our own path.  This is where the turbulence begins.  She helped me connect my own experience to this metaphor. When I left my job, I had a one way ticket and a dream to make it to Africa. I joked that I’d network my way to Africa — I just knew it would all work out. I wasn’t connected to a timeline or an expectation. I just lived each day knowing that the right opportunities would come my way.  Short version: I got connected to someone in Rwanda within the first week of my trip. Never in a million years could I have imagined that would happen so quickly.

Shortly after this session I booked a trip to Costa Rica. 3 Weeks. No agenda. I thought a lot about this story and began writing.

April 3, 2018
Travel day. Tampa, Florida to Costa Rica

Is it the sense of adventure? Love of community within different cultures? Limited life and making the most of it? I continue to be plagued by this idea that we aren’t guaranteed tomorrow and I feel at my best when living boldly. Not driven by fear but making choices in spite of it. When thinking about travel, I often remember times that I have felt comfortable taking my last breath: whether on the Ferris Wheel in Marseille or my flight to Rwanda. It’s a weird thing to think, yet it’s freeing. The ability to live life in a way that knows no bounds. It’s breathtakingly beautiful. Perhaps that’s what I’ve been missing. Simply put, the living of life. The manifesting of something greater. The ability to get to a place where you are deep within your soul feeling nothing… yet for the first time – it’s not due to worldly distractions. It’s just a place inside yourself where everything is calm. Bliss. The calmness in one self. 

Pura Vida! Xo

April 11, 2018
Dominical

#realtimereflection   🏻 When I slow down and take time by myself, away from all the noise, I see life so much clearer. In our society,  there’s a lot of comparison of what other people are doing and at times, it seems like my life will never feel “enough”.  As I sit here in my hammock, I’m not thinking of what tomorrow may or may not bring. Not thinking of what title I should hold or how many kids I should have by now.  No one cares. 

When talking to Rebecca recently, she asked why I feel so different when I’m traveling. I said something about being able to be whoever I wanted. I couldn’t articulate it beyond that. This was a goal for my trip. Breaking it down. What is it?

Well right now it’s all about the amount of pressure I put on myself to “have it all” for you! If you think I have it all, then all is well. In reality I do have it all, my all, and I’m not enjoying it because it doesn’t look sparkly. It’s not a life you can put on social media. It’s a harsh reality that social perception has trumped me actually enjoying the day to day. When I speak to you in person, you ask about work. In reality, work is work. I am fortunate to love what I’m doing. But it’s not a big part of my day to day. I have a hard time filling this traditional conversation and then it feels like I’m living life wrong. When you have to fill the space… 

Since I moved back, I have struggled to keep it all together. My updates became less and less exciting.  Nothing will compare to the highlight reel of my travels.  It left a void of acceptance or people thinking my life is fun or cool. 

Ironically, in Africa I learned that the sparkly isn’t what’s really important. It’s the beauty in the simple things. It’s the being fully present. The beauty of nature. The water, the trees, the starry sky and the colors of the sunrise.  There is no comparison because it’s not even comparable. 

The thing I love about travel is the lack of expectation. No one cares what you do or what your next steps in life are. People are present. They are enjoying the place they’re in with zero expectation. I also love backpacker places because it’s low key. People heading from place to place with limited plans of where life will take them. They are fucking in the flow! 

At home, I feel suffocated and trapped. It’s my own doing.  I need to accept this person I’m becoming and love her enough to stand apart. 

Living life for everyone else is clearly silly and quite pathetic. Yet I do it without even recognizing it most days. Self love is about accepting yourself as you are – yet there are so many things I want to change. The more I uncover who I am – beyond all the labels or layers of an onion that I have created – the person underneath it all is a fragile girl who wants to be loved and accepted.  Homework: Soothing the little girl me and standing on my own. 

April 20, 2018
Bus to Montezuma

Yesterday was my one year back home anniversary. A milestone to reflect on the last year and celebrate the experience and growth that took place. I spent some time reading my journal entries and ironically realized I have found myself in a very similar spot mentally on this CR trip. Tara and Kristi have both made a point to help me recognize the positives and really recognize the effort I have made to change the course of my life. I took some time to reflect and use a positive lens for once and write about the last year and what I’ve accomplished. 

As I sit here on this bus, I’m thinking positively still. Celebrating myself for the good instead of only holding myself accountable for the areas that need more time. It’s nice to see the growth and really recognize and appreciate the last year for what it is and for what it has taught me. 

Specifically in the last couple of weeks, I have realized how many of my decisions in my adult life have been based in fear. How I’ve been living this last year half in trying to figure it out and have out wondering what else could be. Fearing the idea of being the girl that chose a guy and missed out on a life more fitting. 

It’s funny as I read some of my journal entries how I speak about my fears or how I try to make them as logical or sensible as possible.  I realize how I can truly convince myself of anything if I believe it enough. Or if it aligns with my inner beliefs. My challenge will be to use this to my advantage! Putting 100% of my faith in the unknown. Letting each day play out. Just like when I’m traveling! 

Each day is an adventure. You don’t have to have it all planned out. Do something each day that feels good and you’ll have a great trip. Same thing must be true in life. Seems so obvious yet somewhere in the day to day this concept gets missed or overlooked. 

The good news for me is that I feel good. I have been out of my head. I have really taken a hold of this concept of surrendering. Putting down the oars and seeing what happens. Putting myself first and focusing on making myself feel good. Not focusing on the expectations or perceived expectations of others. 

Kristi has mentioned other people making comments about how I have it all figured out. I feel like a fraud because I have been struggling more than ever. Yet I have figured some things out. If I get myself to this consistent point of true surrender then I think life will be so joyous that I’ll wonder what took me so long to get here! 

For the first time I can picture a happy ever after version for me. I can see it. I can feel it. I can feel my belief that this life is mine already. I have been looking through this lens of fear for so long that I didn’t even know my eyes were messed up! 

Whatever happens from here, I have found peace in myself. I know I will be ok.  I know I can and will continue to surrender to the what is! I believe I am capable and worthy of having the life I want. I believe I can push beyond my past and live out of a place of gratitude and truly find contentment in my day to day life. 

I have to live the way I’ve been saying with no excuses when I get home. 

• yoga/meditation daily 
• Make my own meals – fresh 
• Wake up early and go to bed early
• Buy a hammock 
• Read and write 
• Biking to places/active
• More quality time with family and close friends 
• Making choices based on my heart and not my head 
• Loving out loud
• Exploring my city 

April 21, 2018
On the beach of Montezuma

What a beautiful place. Sitting here this morning on rocks – separating me from the water and the world. I sit here alone. I am able to reflect on this life, this journey, and feel so at peace. What I’m learning is that it’s not about the place. It’s about me taking care of my spirit. It’s acknowledging the mind and limiting these expectations for my day, my week and my life. 

Surrendering. True surrender has felt like magic. When you surrender you actually feel like everything is just what it is. The bad won’t last long. The great feels even greater because you notice that it was great For You! Perhaps that’s what happened in Rwanda. I surrendered to what was because I had no option. I enjoyed it all because I had no expectation limiting my perspective. 

The world is a beautiful place but home is where the heart is. I have never been so proud of the life I have. I have never felt more intentional in regards to what I put out into the universe and the immense satisfaction I have knowing I have exactly what I asked for. How did I overlook this for so long? 

Surrendering allows you to get out of your own way. Seeing each situation as it is and not how it could or should be. Those words are the antithesis of this journey of life.  What is. That’s the new vocabulary. 

One thing that gives me life is Citizen Shade. ‘Forfeit Tomorrow’ is actually one of my favorite songs in regards to the sound It makes me feel at peace. He is the soundtrack to my Spain trip which was one of the best things I’ve ever done for myself. I guess that was another manifesting situation. Doing something. With no plan. Watching the journey unfold is beautiful! It truly is. 

My life is my next trip. Not the city or country I visit next! It’s so clear and I’m so thrilled to be here now enjoying this adventure. Coming to these conclusions. Changing my perspective to be a healthy vantage point moving forward. 

I’m excited! I feel like a new and refreshed version. I have hope for the first time in a while. I truly got stuck and couldn’t find my way out but I am here stronger than ever! I will keep this with me. I will keep my intention at the forefront of my mind. Each and every day. As long as I live. 

My daily affirmation and intention. 

I am the source of my happiness. 
I am surrendering this day, this moment, to a higher power. 
I am who I am. 
Life is what it is and today will be whatever it will be. 
I am no longer committed to the shoulds and coulds. I am committed to putting down the oars and enjoying the ride of my life! 
I surrender! 

Kristi and I ended up heading to Grecia  to visit with Betty on the final night of our Costa Rican adventure.  I kept stating that my next tattoo would be “I Surrender”.  I really wanted to get it in CR as this trip was such a turning point for me.  We got dropped off my a stranger — a whole other story haha, and were making our way across the street and the first place we saw was a tattoo shop! No lie, had we not had that prior experience, I might not have felt so #YOLO but we knew it was fate. We had to go in and get this tattoo! The guy was awesome and I am SOOO thrilled that I got it in Costa Rica!  It’s a daily reminder of the life I want to live.

I Surrender. ❤