Distraction has by far been the thing that has hindered my journey, my self love, and my pursuit of contentment the most. We live in a world where we “want it all” – the perfect relationship, the dream job, a tribe, the new house, the on point bod, AND peace of mind!  We are living in a self-improvement society (Am I right?), spending a lot of time developing ourselves – if we attend more events, we’ll meet ALL the people. If we educate ourselves, we’ll be EVEN smarter, MORE prepared, more deserving of that promotion.  Essentially, we are NEVER SATISFIED.  It’s NEVER ENOUGH.

Distraction, quite simply, is how I identify the things that keep you from living your most content life and the things that get in the way of your own thoughts.  Your distractions could be very different from mine.

The first distraction I identified was the lifestyle I created for myself.  I was the person who “thrived” in a busy lifestyle. I would wake up early, go to bed late – feeling pushed by the cause. I loved my job and the opportunities to build relationships with extraordinary individuals.  I had great friends and mentors and had a robust rolodex.  I was hardly ever at home. I didn’t like the downtime. If I had a free night on my calendar, I immediately began texting friends to meet for an impromptu happy hour, or filled the weekend with my girl friends and boozy brunches.  This didn’t even seem that odd, as many in my world operated this way — or at least I thought they did.

 
When I left my job and moved away from this life, I had to essentially start over in a lot of ways. I had to figure out what I enjoyed doing when I wasn’t going to a happy hour or working all of the time.

 
I was alone in my thoughts constantly. That’s when I began writing. I had so much to process and I had no idea where to even begin.  At 30 years old, I had to ask myself some really hard, yet simple questions.

• Who am I beyond my work?
• What do I believe in? What do I value?
• What do I enjoy doing?
• How do I want to spend my time?

I identified so strongly with who I was in the professional space but had no other identity. No true understanding of self.

 
I would frequently visit coffee/tea shops during my travels because it was a way to get out of the cold, but also a time that I could gain access to wi-fi. I would go hours without contact and I would have to find something to do.  Some days I truly struggled with whether I should stay connected to the internet or actually walking around a new place. The struggle is and was VERY real.  I lived this way for months. I got more adjusted to the idea of not being connected to the internet 24/7. I listened to music, I did a lot of writing and reflection, and I read quite a bit.   I also made friends with people in my hostel and would meet strangers in local pubs/shops to have human contact!   It was the most isolated I’ve ever been and became the catalyst to a snowball of changes in my life in the months to come.

REAL TALK…
I don’t know if you’ve ever had this challenge but when I began writing, I would edit my thoughts as if someone was going to find my journal or my word doc and find out all of my secrets. They would know my inner most thoughts and realize that I’m not the girl they thought they knew.

This was something I have done my whole life. I’VE EDITED WHO I AM… TO MYSELF.  (Just let that sink in for a moment.)  I suppose I have always known this to a degree – but I’ve never OWNED or ACKNOWLEDGED IT. One day I asked myself:

• What are you so afraid of?
• What do you think you’ll see? Learn?
• What are you afraid to own?
• Is it embarrassment? Shame? Fear?

It’s almost like if I didn’t acknowledge this girl inside of me – then I wasn’t truly her. I get teary-eyed thinking about this moment because I knew I couldn’t live this way anymore.

If I couldn’t own who I am,  how could I truly love who I am? 

How can I live this life of empowering other women? Encouraging others to do the work that I’m not brave enough to do.
I started trying to force myself to be unfiltered when writing.  I would find myself changing the way I phrased something or editing a word choice; the constant use of the backspace button.  I tried to push through those moments and identify the patterns that surfaced. When did this happen? Was it a particular topic? A level of intimacy?

It’s that feeling in the pit of your stomach. The feeling of FEAR. Was it the fear of the unknown? For me, I’ve realized it was the fear of letting my scars show. The fear of the little girl me in the room crying in the corner. The fear of being a fraud. Exposed. Not being the person I want to me. Not being truly proud of who I am.  Who I’ve been.

Towards the end of 2016 I began meditating and started to uncover a lot of emotions that I had suppressed from my childhood. Somewhere along they way I learned that if you push your feelings aside, you can move forward as if “it” never happened.

In a nutshell, I have DISTRACTED my way through life. I created a coping mechanism at a very young age that allowed me to feel happy — happy because I never dealt with any negative emotion. I lived in this fairytale, untouchable life.

It went from a coping mechanism to a fully embraced lifestyle in the blink of an eye.  Working for the Chamber, finding likeminded friends, has led me to my 30 year old, career focused, tunnelvision’d self.

I still struggle with this today. I have answered countless emails. I have looked at social media. Being vulnerable and open with yourself is hard work. It’s scary. BUT it’s WORTH IT.  I encourage you to spend sometime by yourself and write down your experience.  What do you think about? What do you choose to do?

We live in a distracted, self improvement society where life never seems to be enough. That’s the norm, but it doesn’t have to be ours!  If this even remotely intrigues you –  I’d spend a weekend by yourself – no electronics, no eating out, no texting. I guarantee you it will be challenging — but I bet you will learn something about yourself!

Perhaps this gives you the time to brainstorm that idea you’ve been dreaming about. OR maybe you finally read the book you’ve been hearing so much about! The sky is the limit but you have to take that first step.

We have to move beyond the comfortable. Beyond the fear.  Beyond what’s ever holding you back.

If you aren’t sure where to begin, or you feel like there is a mountain in front of  you, make the choice to start today.  Give yourself time and space to feel, to hear, and to surrender.

Keep me posted on your journey!

Going Against The Current,

A