October 6, 2017

I recently posted about the idea of Deconstructing; asking myself WHY to all things in my life.  Below is a glimpse into the deconstruction of friendship and how I’m redefining it day by day.  

The Journey…

To put yourself first, to become your best self, your most solid, true, confident, blissful self… will take sacrifice.

You’re giving up the life you had for the life that could be.  It’s not just a change for you, but a change for all of those who have been a part of your journey. Your best friends. Your acquaintance friends. Your spouse. Your work colleagues. Your family.

All in all, depending on your journey, there will most likely be casualties. The good news is that you’ll be a better you when all is said and done.

For those who have experienced any sort of life-altering event (whether divorce, a health scare, a major change in career or anything else under the sun) you end up re-prioritizing your life and reassessing what’s important and what’s not.  You determine what matters in life, who matters and where you spend your time.  A sudden life shift can happen for numerous reasons and it doesn’t have to be seen as a negative. We are all susceptible to it.

When I returned home, I pulled back from everything. I wasn’t ready to jump fully into anything – a new job, brunch with friends, an educational/networking event, or anything that felt like it would take me out of this simplistic bliss.

I actually had a lot of guilt about this and had a lot of doubts about who and what would become a part of this new normal.

I found myself constantly teetering between decisions that allowed me to stay true to my new found bliss, versus what I felt I owed to everyone else; mostly scheduling time with my friends.

The idea of “owing” a piece of myself to others was a very real concern. I had cut all ties to my “responsibilities” but now that I was back, I felt like I HAD to jump back into it.  This was a suffocating experience but over time it solidified my realization that I have a CHOICE.

I know many of us question our use of time and are becoming more empowered to say no.  I encourage you to begin deconstructing your life – identifying your priorities, defining your values,  creating your rubric for decision making and making decisions accordingly.

The Rubric 

When I first got home, I was overwhelmed with the choices.  I felt very wishy-washy in my decision making and was nervous I would make a choice that I’d later regret. Everything seemed to carry a lot of weight all of a sudden.  I created a rubric around my new priorities and if it didn’t make it through all the questions in the rubric, I said no. It took away the guilt and made me feel more in control and more confident as to what I was allowing in.

I continue to feel that I’m on a teeter-totter; one decision away from being out of balance. The rubric is still something I use regularly.

Why I Deconstruct.

Deconstructing was my way of allowing myself to create my “new normal”.  I was redefining what my life looked like and choosing what I wanted to allow back in day by day. Asking all of these questions allowed me to create my own definitions to many things: friendship, success, self-love, and also explored concepts that became pillars I seek to allow into my life everyday: vulnerability, beauty, joy.

“Friendship” was an area that caused a lot of anxiety for me when I returned. I was constantly looking at my calendar trying to figure out how I could see everyone when I returned. I had many reaching out to me to hear of my adventures and I am beyond grateful for that. It was the first time that I paused and evaluated the priority among the people and had to give myself grace to not see everyone all at once. I also had to trust that my friends would understand that.

What I learned is that I couldn’t be the friend I wanted to be to those I cared about most because I spread myself so thin. I had to work on this and redefine what friendship looked like to me.

DECONSTRUCTING FRIENDSHIP

My goal in deconstructing friendship was to understand my philosophy of friendship at a deeper level – at it’s core.  I was seeking clarity in an effort to move forward in a healthier manner.

The short version of this issue is that I continued to suffer from paralysis of analysis. I was stuck, not accepting any invitation to hang out, out of fear of choosing one friend over the other or hurting someones feelings. A blanket no seemed less harsh than picking and choosing.

From there, I started just throwing out questions and ideas on friendship.

 

What qualities do I EXPECT from a friend? 
I say expect because there are a few ground rules here. No trash talking about other friends. I want a friend who checks in; who share their life with me.

Friendship means WE GET REAL; they show their vulnerable/exposed side.

I’ve always been fortunate to build genuine friendships where we talk about REAL LIFE. I don’t need the highlight reels or the competition of who’s doing the best. I want real life – happy and sad; the celebrations and the challenges.  When we get in the habit of offering the highlight reel, we’re stealing the opportunity to really relate to one another. We are creating a place of shame and that allows one to feel the “I’m the only one” syndrome.

This has been such an essential part of my “Friendships at 30” and I’m beyond grateful that we all have a voice, we have a place where we can be our full selves; no shame. Just friends that listen, support and share their stuff too.

If you can’t get real – then we can’t be friends. It’s that simple.

I want a friend carries their weight in our friendship.  
I’ve had many relationships that I “keep alive” and those people are no longer welcome in my inner circle. As friendships are concerned, I think there are times that you or your friend need more airtime than normal, and that is okay. However, this has to ebb and flow. If it’s constantly on one side – then buh-bye! I want an equal friendship where we both check in, and we both make plans to connect. It’s mutual in regards to our responsibilities.

As I was deconstructing friendship, I began asking myself what kind of friend I have been  and what kind of friend I want to be.
This is where everything changed for me.

What kind of friend do I want to be?
As I thought about the kind of friend I wanted to be, I first looked at my friends and the qualities I admired and how they make me feel.  I then began questioning the amount of time that being this type of friend would take.  Let me explain.

I mentioned having many friends. The reason I was able to keep up with so many people was because I did everything in groups. Girls Happy Hour. Girls Lunch. Book Club. Peacocks. Starfish. the Trifecta, etc…. they all were groups of people that I got together with an effort to maximize my time which allowed me to stay in touch with more people. I have done this for years. It definitely was a great solution to ensuring everyone got their due but individually, I don’t think I was the friend I want to be.

Determining the type of friend I wanted to be was a life-changing decision AND an intentional one.

Next Steps

From here I continued to explore what that looks like on a daily/weekly/monthly level.  I want to check in with friends one on one. That doesn’t mean I won’t still be a part of the Peacocks and Book Club (obvs!). It just means I will make an effort to check in and have individual friendships outside of our group functions.

I guess my point of deconstructing is because it’s never too late to be who you want to be.