Just to recap, in the last 4 months I’ve gone through the Overwhelm; Numb; Extreme Motivation and have settled into just straight contentment. Peace.

Next Stage: Question Everything

I have now been home for 4 months and I’m feeling a little more settled into the idea that I can create and maintain a blissful life here in the US. Great news, right?

It has been an incredible year on a personal level.  I think many see my Facebook page and have followed my trip, and think how great the trip was from an experiential perspective. That is TRUE. However this trip was SO MUCH MORE than that. I constantly write about this because I haven’t quite found the right words to capture my experience. (Read more about my time in Rwanda here.)

Stepping out of my life, reevaluating what I wanted my life to be, challenging myself to explore… has all led me to this point.

DECONSTRUCT. 

One thing I continue to notice is the level of curiosity I’ve developed. Pretty much on all topics.  Audra gets the brunt of these conversations – but I literally ask WHY – to myself, to her, to other friends… Why? Why do I believe anything I do?

I am in a self-declared state of curiosity – literally questioning all things.

I’ve written about my challenge or exploration of time but I’m taking it further.  I’ve been contemplating why I am the way that I am; how I became this person. I’ve likely always wondered, but I’ve been overwhelmed – consumed by this thought over the last few months. I mentioned in a recent post that I had found love for myself – complete and unconditional love for who I am.

Self love … such an easy concept but to love all of my self has never been accomplished. People have mentioned that I have a different presence… a peace about me. A calm.   I am curious if this outer calm is a love of self that I have within.

Questions that I’ve been pondering and exploring.

• Why has career weighed so heavily in my definition of success? How do I define success now? What are the categories that I’ll include in this new definition? (Time? Peace? Happiness? Family/Friends?)
• How do I define friendship? What does being a good friend mean to me? What does that look like on a daily/weekly/monthly level? Am I being the friend I want to be?
• Why do/did I volunteer? Is it because “I should”, because ” I care”, because it’s “the right thing to do?” “Looks good on a resume?”
• Why do I wear makeup? What is my self talk? Do I wear makeup to ensure I feel beautiful? Do I like my face without makeup? How does this play a role in my self-value/self-worth?
• What situations make me feel vulnerable? What drives this vulnerability?
• What am I afraid of? Why am I afraid of it? How can I overcome it? Do I want to overcome it?
• How am I spending my time?  Does my time match my life vision?
• When do I feel most at peace? When do I feel most out of balance?

I ask myself these types of questions quite routinely. I am constantly trying to #DigDeeper (Tara’s 2017 mantra that I’ve borrowed, thank you!) and get to the root of all of my beliefs and ensure:

1. That I actually believe them.
2. That they still align.
3. If not, then I’m reworking/redefining them.

It is actually something that I’d urge you all to do. As I’ve mentioned before, it’s not taking the easy road. Challenging the common has led me to feel emotionally raw; I’ve hit walls on several occasions. BUT a year later, I’m amazed at where I stand.

I could write responses to these questions for days on how crazy different I view the world; how differently I view myself, friendships, life choices, etc. It has been a tough year mentally. Deciding to leave a job I loved for something “more”. Deciding to travel the world without a plan. Throwing a new relationship in the mix. Dealing with limiting self-beliefs. Living in a foreign country. A major shift of perspective. Making major life decisions like which country to live in? Moving home or staying in Rwanda. Moving in with my dream guy. What job/career path is right? Full time work? All in all, creating a life so radically different from what I left.

I honestly don’t know what’s next for me but I’m enjoying the journey.

In Summary:

• You have one life. What are you waiting for? If there is something you are dreamin of, start working towards it now.
• Take control of your happiness.
• Stop going through every day biding your time until you feel worthy. You are worthy and your dreams deserve to come to fruition.
• Whether it’s a new job, moving to a new city, taking a trip, losing weight, taking time for yourself, trying a new hobby, buying a house …. whatever it is – DO IT.
• Focus on yourself. Take care of you. Everyone else in your life will be better for it. I promise.